Erica, a recent visitor to our blog, had asked a question of our resident etiquette expert Jodi Smith.  You can find her question and Jodi's answer below.  As always, if you have a question for Jodi please post a comment to any of the Destination Wedding Etiquette posts and I will forward your question to her.

Erica's Question: 

Hello, I have a confusing destination wedding situation. My cousin is getting married in Vegas, no one is invited to the wedding because she wants it private. My boyfriend and I are attending however we were never officially invited, it just happens that we will be there at the same time. The situation is this, she wants a traditional bridal shower, and is planning a post wedding celebration in the summer, for a wedding no one was given the option to attend. They are going to rent tents and have a band, however the alcohol and food with be provided by all of the family members, not a traditional reception. She has made the statement that she just wants the gifts. My question is this, what if any gift is appropriate for a wedding that you were not invited to at a post wedding party that you are providing the food and beverages for?

Jodi's Answer:

This is a sticky situation.  With a bride who announces she wants a private wedding, I would think twice about attending the ceremony, even if I happen to be in town.  You should let the bride know you just happen to be in Vegas at the same time.  If the bride seems welcoming, then you should consider attending. 

As I am sure you already know, anyone invited to a bridal shower should be invited to the wedding.  But unless the bride asks you about this etiquette point, you should not share this information with her. 

And finally, to your question, if you are attending a family gathering where you are also helping to supply the food, and a recently married relative is in attendance, you should bring a small gift as a token of your well wishes for her future. 

-Jodi

Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author.  To email your etiquette emergency, click to http://www.mannersmith.com.  Copyright © 1996-2008 Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter as long as this copyright and full information about contacting the author is attached.

Sharon, a recent visitor to our blog, had asked a question of our resident etiquette expert Jodi Smith.  You can find her question and Jodi's answer below.  As always, if you have a question for Jodi please post a comment to any of the Destination Wedding Etiquette posts and I will forward your question to her.

From Sharon:

I have been invited to a destination wedding in Punta Cana. I am a single female and live in South Carolina. The guests are all paying their own hotel and flight. What is proper etiquette as far as bringing a guest to this type of wedding? The wedding is in June and the invitations have not gone out yet. I was told by the Bride guests were not allowed. I have a problem with that considering I am paying over $1700 to attend their wedding and don't prefer to travel alone. Is it unreasonable of me to want to bring a guest considering I am paying for everything. Please help...need your expertise....I understand the rule of not allowed to bring a guest if your not engaged but does this apply to a destination wedding where the bride and groom are not paying for anything but the reception?

From Jodi:

Dear Guest,

In general, guests are not allowed to invite others to a wedding.  However, with a destination wedding, it is not uncommon for guests to extend their trips and turn the wedding trip into a vacation.  While you certainly can invite a friend to join you on the trip, you should understand (and make it clear to your guest) that the guest is not invited to the wedding festivities. 

You should be very diplomatic about who you share your vacation plans with as you do not want to be seen as trying to pressure the bride into including your guest too.

I do hope this helps,

Jodi   

Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author.  To email your etiquette emergency, click to http://www.mannersmith.com.  Copyright © 1996-2008 Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter as long as this copyright and full information about contacting the author is attached.

Our friend Jodi Smith, renowned etiquette expert, helps clarify the rules for including registry information in invitations and announcements.

Renowned etiquette expert Jodi Smith answers your questions on your Destination Wedding.  If you would like to ask another question please post a comment to any one of the etiquette posts and we will send them over to Jodi.

Question:

How do introduce the idea of a wedding party for those guests who are not able to make it to your wedding? When do you send out invites to that party in relation to your wedding invitation? How long should you wait before having a party at home? What kinds of things do people do at that party? ie. Do they show a video of their wedding and does the bride wear her dress again?

For a destination bride, to consider a celebration at home is a wonderful way to have all of those who are special to you included in your wedding.  There are as many ways to handle this as there are brides.  Each bride must factor into the planning the number of guests who will not be able to attend the actual wedding, the time of year of the wedding, the preferred time of year for the hometown celebration, and the level of formality desired.  The invitations to the hometown party should be sent 4 to 6 weeks prior to the actual event.  For most affairs, this means sending the invitations after you have arrived home from your wedding trip to avoid any confusion.  The hometown celebration can occur any time within the first year.  Of course, the sooner the better.  The activities during the hometown celebration depend on the couple and the type of event.  Typically the bride will wear her gown again, if the groom has his wedding attire, he will wear them again, they will perform their wedding dance, show the wedding video and there will be toasting.  It is recommended the bride and groom toast their guests and thank their parents.

Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author.  To email your etiquette emergency, visit http://www.mannersmith.com.  Copyright © 1996-2008 Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter as long as this copyright and full information about contacting the author is attached.

Good afternoon everybody,

We are pleased to announce that we are about to bring a new guest blogger aboard.  We are always hearing questions regarding Destination Wedding etiquette from our couples, so I decided it was time to find some answers. 

Jodi R. R. Smith is a long-time business acquaintence of mine from the Boston area.  She is a nationally-known etiquette expert and her company Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting has been featured on countless media exposures and has helped even more couples over the years.

In preparation for her arrival to the blog, please comment on this post with any Destination Wedding etiquette questions that you may have, and we can include them in future answer posts. 

Jodi is already working on a stack of questions now, so if you have a pressing question...get it in soon!

The second post by Jodi R. R. Smith, etiquette expert, on the most common Destination Wedding Etiquette Questions. 

1. I have a couple guests that I would like to contribute a little bit towards their travel expenses. How do I do that without having these guests feel like "charity cases" and/or other guests finding out and wondering why I didn't offer for them too?

Encourage all of your guests to work through a single travel agency.  This will assist you in your planning and assist your guests in receiving the best price possible.  Then, let the agency know which guests you plan to help so they can price the travel appropriately to include your contribution.  You may decide to have your assistance be anonymous (so your guests do not feel like charity cases).  Or you may decide to let the guest know you have "points" or "discounts" which you want to share with them.  You should mention that you are not able to extend the same point/discounts to others so your guests know they have received an added benefit and should avoid mentioning it to others.

2. I don't want children at my destination wedding, how do I delicately let guests know that it's adults-only?

Be sure the invitation envelopes only have the adult names on the address.  If someone specifically asks, you let them know that while you love little "Tiffany" this is an adult resort and not geared in any way towards children.  If someone tries to emotionally blackmail you "we won't be able to attend without little Bobby."  Then your answer is, "We hope you will be able to find a sitter, otherwise we would love to have you over when we are back to share the pictures and memories."

3. We are planning a beach wedding, and we don't want to single anyone out as a traditional best man/maid of honor, mostly because it will be all our closest friends and family there and we just don't want to offend anyone. At the destination that we are getting married at we need to have two official witnesses to sign our marriage certificate at the wedding itself. How can we choose these two special people without offending our other close family/friends?

Your guests are mature enough to understand not everyone will be able to sign your marriage certificate!  Choose carefully.  You best option may be to choose a sibling or cousin.  If there are no siblings or cousins, then the friend you have known the longest.  Do be sure to speak with anyone who might possibly be hurt well in advance of the wedding.  The conversation should be "Susie, if I was having a traditional wedding, of course you would be one of my bridesmaids.  But since we are doing a destination event, I am just having Judy sign the certificate since she is my sister.  I do hope you understand and I am so glad you are going to be a part of my big day."

Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author.  To email your etiquette emergency, click to http://www.mannersmith.com   Copyright © 1996-2008 Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter as long as this copyright and full information about contacting the author is attached.

We are pleased to introduce etiquette expert Jodi R. R. Smith from Mannersmith Etiquette Counseling.  Jodi will be helping answer some of the most common questions regarding Destination Wedding ettiquette.

1. I want my destination wedding to be intimate, with just our close family and friends, but my parents are treating it more like a traditional wedding and inviting everyone we know. When I question them on their guests they tell me that they won't come anyways, but I don't want to take the chance. How can I make sure I have my intimate wedding while not offending my parents and their friends?

You are right to be concerned.  As a host, you must presume that there is a chance everyone who is invited will decide to attend.  In fact, some invited guests who may have declined a traditional wedding invitation decide to accept a destination wedding invitation and turn your event into their "trip of a lifetime!"  Sit down to speak with your parents.  Share that you are so happy they are excited about the wedding and understand they want to be as inclusive as possible.  Let them know you are working with the resort and the total number of guests will be (insert your preferred number here).  Then suggest since they truly want to celebrate, perhaps they could host a brunch in your honor when you return.  You can play the wedding video, wear your wedding outfits and dance to your wedding song.  This allows your actual wedding to be the intimate affair you expect and allows your parents to share their joy among their friends.

2. My fiancé and I have always dreamt of having a destination wedding with a very laid back simple intimate ceremony on the beach, but my parents want a formal wedding in a church and a full reception. They even offered to help pay for the additional expense if we did it their way. How can we turn them down without offending them?

Outwardly it would seem as if you and your parents are approaching this event from completely opposite perspectives.  The first step is to ask and listen.  Speak with your parents about their expectations, hopes and dreams for your wedding.  Listen carefully.  Ask what about the church is important.  Ask what about a formal event is important.  Ask what constitutes a "full reception."  Then thank them for sharing their ideas with you.  Later review what you learned with your fiancé.  Is it that your parents want the church for the pews and stained glass windows or is it that they want you to be married by a religious official?  For many religions, there are clergy who will be happy to perform a ceremony on the beach.  Is it that your parents wanted a formal event or is it that they want to be sure to be included?  You can still have your father escort you down an aisle created at the beach and have your mother bestow a blessing.  Is it that your parents want a formal meal and dancing with a band or is it that they want to have a special evening?  You can plan a festive wedding banquet with the requisite dancing at the resort.  Once you have listened, really listened to what they want for you, you can honor their ideas and including what you can.  Creativity counts! 

3. I have a couple guests that I know will not be able to attend my destination wedding for various reasons. Should I still send them an invitation, even if I know they can't go?

Don't be so sure.  Life has a way of changing.  Do send those on your guest list an invitation both so they know they are included and because plans do evolve over time.

Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author.  To email your etiquette emergency, click to http://www.mannersmith.com   Copyright © 1996-2008 Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter as long as this copyright and full information about contacting the author is attached.

Good afternoon everybody,

Happy late Friday afternoon to you!  We are pleased to announce that we are about to bring a new guest blogger aboard.  We are always hearing questions regarding Destination Wedding etiquette from our couples, so I decided it was time to find some answers. 

Jodi R. R. Smith is a long-time business acquaintence of mine from the Boston area.  She is a nationally-known etiquette expert and her company Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting has been featured on countless media exposures and has helped even more couples over the years.

In preparation for her arrival to the blog, please comment on this post with any Destination Wedding etiquette questions that you may have, and we can include them in future answer posts. 

 Jodi is already working on a stack of questions now, so if you have a pressing question...get it in soon!